Internet, I think I may be sick. It’s an unfamiliar sensation, but I know for a fact something is wrong. The symptoms are strange. It was tough to narrow down, but here’s what I plugged into Web MD: smiling, waking up before my alarm, and ambition to start exercising. Web MD couldn’t come up with a diagnosis. So I tried something else, I plugged the same symptoms into Dictionary.com, and it came up with “confidence.”
“Bullshit. Pure, and absolute bullshit,” was my first thought. I haven’t had confidence in my entire life. I’ve been so used to loathing myself that I forgot what it was like to actually have an interest in waking up and starting your day in the morning. My pessimism has been the most consistent thing in my life for as long as I can remember. I can’t start believing in myself now, right when my comedy career is just beginning to bud.
My biggest influence as a comic is Louis CK. Louis thrives on vicious pessimism to get laughs, and I followed suit when I had first started getting on stage. And I realize the irony of my favorite comedian being a ginger considering how often I mock those freckle-faced mutants, but when you’re as funny as Louis, you get an exception, but not a soul. Negativity is a rather common trait of comedians. So many funny people have painted a bleak portrait of the world and made careers doing so.
I must be cured. So, in an attempt to restore my perpetual eye-rolling view of the world, I will give you a list of things that have been bugging me lately. Hopefully putting them all in one place will trigger a sigh from the bottom of my heart.
-Being the only person I know without a smart phone. Sorry I didn’t get the email, I don’t have the internet in my pocket at all times. It’s not my fault my parents don’t love me enough to get me a data plan.
-Teenagers. I don’t know why, but whenever I see some scrawny kid walking around with a flat-brimmed hat with the sticker still on it and a pair of girl pants hanging past his ass despite the fact that he’s wearing a belt, I can’t help but think “why wouldn’t I swerve onto the sidewalk, I think the skater shoes make him double points.”
-Lady GaGa culture. Let me be clear on this one, I don’t necessarily have a problem with Lady GaGa herself. She seems to be a talented musician, so I won’t go there. But, these sparkly-faced wannabes that think that because some singer that wears too much makeup and has curves like a 2x4 says it’s okay to be a freak, then they can be as obnoxious as they want. Let’s try having an original personality first, then add some glitter. Okay, pumpkin?
-Anyone that wants to debate about politics, ever. Fact: this conversation will not change anything in either of our lives. In fact, we’ll probably both walk away more stuck in our beliefs than before. The only difference now is that I like you significantly less.
-While we’re on the topic, anyone that believes too strongly in anything. I used be the guy to get in arguments with people about religion and politics and whatever other social issue was bothering people at the time. The reality is that I just don’t care. But, I do know that jokes can be derived from anything and everything. Don’t tell me that a joke about abortion isn’t okay, then turn around laugh at a joke about slavery. Your morals and standards are arbitrary. And, as far as I know, the word “arbitrary” means “I don’t have to give a shit.”
Well, that wasn’t very productive. I still feel great. This sucks. I can’t believe I waste my time like this. This is always what happens, get all excited about some idea and then everything goes downhill. I’m going to go in my room and mumble to myself.
Wait a minute… mission accomplished.