Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Sequel

                Wow, I would be remiss if I didn’t say thank you for the support of my first post, even if three out of every four views were me refreshing the page to see if anyone had gotten offended by my jokes about Jews. Unfortunately, I didn’t offend anyone. For the record, I have nothing against anyone of any particular faith, but is it funny to talk as if I do? Absolutely.
                This is my second installment of this series, which means that if it’s anything like a big-time Hollywood movie, it’s going to suck.  Or, if this is like a big-time Michael Bay movie, this is going to suck, the last one sucked, and the next one will suck because there is no way to replace Megan Fox’s sideboob no matter how many obnoxious special effects I add to the blog.
                So, let’s cover the events of the last week. I typically don’t use topical or political humor for material, but I think I may be on to something here. First, we have Arnold Swarzenagger’s lovechild with some staffer that is now ten years of age. This broke up a long marriage and stained the reputation of a sitting United States governor. Divorce is hilarious.
                What I can’t get myself to understand is how people were surprised by this. Wait, you are going to tell me that a global superstar actor cheated on his wife? No way. Hang on, now you’re going to tell me that a politician had an affair with a house staffer? Now that’s just crazy talk. And I love the language the news is using to talk about this story: “Had an affair with a staffer” is just their nice way of saying “banging the nanny.”
                Of course, the other waste of news time everyone seems to be talking about is the mass extinction of the human race. That’s right, as I write these words, we are inching closer and closer to the biblical apocalypse. I feel honored that you are spending your last moments on this earth reading my dick jokes before the big guy comes down from upstairs to say “what’s up” and unleashes the wrath of God on our candy asses.
                Which brings me to my last point. No one seems to be talking about the death “Macho-Man” Randy Savage, or as I like to call him, the last bastion of hope for humanity.
Let’s start putting these pieces together. They say disasters, like celebrity deaths, happen in threes. If we are going to use this logic, and we are, the human race is screwed. Think about it, Swarzenagger’s kid is coming of age, the rapture is upon us some time this afternoon, and the “Macho-Man” drops dead out of nowhere.
Clearly what we should take from this is that Swarzenagger’s kid is the anti-christ, and Randy Savage was the only human with the proper training to destroy him and save us. Those veiny biceps and that greasy fivehead were all we had left. But now that he’s gone, I better find a confessional soon and hope some last second “my bads” get me into heaven, because there is no way I’m fighting the Terminator’s demon spawn.

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